Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
last night i found where hot topic managers go to die after they get fired.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
