Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Randomize
