I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
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