i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
