I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
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