The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
Wanna demo a makeout? Check box yes or no. Or maybe. Okay bye.
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
cat food counts as protein by the way
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
Randomize
