Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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