i need an iv and a liver transplant
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
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