Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Randomize
