wtf someone played my fucking brickbreaker games and lost i had ten fucking lives. ughhh
maybe you did when you were drunk
no way, i wasn't THAT drunk.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
That was before I lit my hair on fire
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Randomize
