you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
I'm graduating. Then you'll never see me again.
We better fuck soon then
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
