Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
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