it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
