They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
My brain says no but my pants say off.
Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
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