why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
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