OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
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