The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
after last halloween when i met that 26yr old guy from russia who was hot until we madeout and he became obsessed with touching my forehead after the ecstasy he did and then tried to sell me pills from an m&m mini container, i think im staying away from parties downtown
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
Randomize
