Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
I have so many feelings about this burrito
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Randomize
