Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
I take back everything I said about communal showers
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
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