shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
