my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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