I'm in your bed right now
Okay meet you there give me 10
Don't think you can make me leave either
Give me ten I ha e to be ******'s wingman I want you
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Randomize
