Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Randomize
