if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
I almost masterbated to the avatar love scene ha it was so hot
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Randomize
