My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
In America we eat man semen.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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