This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
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