I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
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