I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
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