Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
