Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
where are you?
Hypothermia
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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