I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
he puts the penis in happiness.
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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