Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
I think I sprained my soul last night
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Randomize
