at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
If You’re Hot, It’s Easier For You To Do These 27 Things
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
23 Struggles Kids These Days Will Never Know
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.