are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
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just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
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Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.