First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Randomize
