My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
The 19 Strangest Things People Use To Get Off
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
These 25 Normal Couples Tried Porn Moves During Sex And It Ended Horribly
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.