I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
