im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
I cant talk about it right now or let you guess, but its something you and i would do. Kinda like that time we had the case of beer and went bowling
You hooked up with minors in a golf cart?
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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