I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
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