I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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