It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
This beer is not sobering me up at all
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
Randomize
