i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
