im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
