I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
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