We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
It's never too late to be topless.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
Randomize
