i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize