got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
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