those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
Randomize
