She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
