This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
I have aggressive nipples.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
