there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
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