You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
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Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
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I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
Basic items
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
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