"it" just moved
I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
I dunno. The only plans I have for sure after finals are smoking a bowl and eating a 5 pound gummy bear. btw I bought a 5 pound gummy bear
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
Randomize
