if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
