Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
