Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
you proceeded to suck on ur pinkie saying it reminded you of chris and you wanted him badly
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
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