I faked an abortion last night.
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
