I could have mohawked her pubes.
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
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