I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
So did he inherit the massive family cock?
:(
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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