Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
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