I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
Randomize
